Big Brother!

Day 1 - Julian admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Stove.
He says he looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Andie is in fact the only
lesbian in the house, although Draper later admits that he is unsure of his
true sexuality.

2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores.
Chad creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong.
Hib hits him with a pineapple.

3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make
a model of Chester out of raspberry jam. After much persuasion by Chad, they
gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.

4 - Training for the Chester task is well under way. However havoc ensues
when Draper, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat
bastard in the house, eats half the raspberry jam. Hib is furious.

5 - Today is the day when the Chester task must be completed. Things are
going well until shortly before the end when Draper farts and blows Chester
over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Stove cries.

6 - Chad gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a
very exciting day.

7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the
housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of
cider, Stove admits that he likes to be spanked on the arse with a
pineapple. Julian says he never wears condoms because they make his cock
sore and Chad agrees. Andie goes into a rant about how none of the other
housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring
heterosexual bastards. Draper sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Chad.

8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to
leave. Julian goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes
them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to.
Hib and Stove are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for

9 - Hib and Stove are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before
hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Andie sings them a song -
Wide Open Space - to make them feel better.

10 - The public vote Stove out of the house. He pretends not to be bothered
but then breaks down and sobs that he should never have admitted about
enjoying being spanked. Stove leaves.

11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms
with Stove's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last
week's failed task. Andie has to make do without the cucumber he requested.
Hib is visibly depressed and is comforted by Chad, who tries to touch him on
his arse.

12 - The Big Brother psychologist replays the footage of Chad touching Hib's
arse over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting
psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing
figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running
machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the
food budget on completing it.

13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Draper
refuses to run because his cock hurts a bit.

14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed.
Draper finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that
without him they'd never have done it. Hib calls Draper a lazy cock.

15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Julian tells
everyone individually that he thinks Hib is a whore. He also points out that
anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to
come and visit. Hib and Chad are nominated by the housemates to leave.
Nobody votes for Julian.

16 - The nominations are announced. Hib can't believe she's been voted out
two weeks in a row. Chad is equally stunned and turns to Hib for comfort.
Draper is distraught and confesses to Andie that he thinks he is in love
with Chad. Andie says he doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're
all just too heterosexual and he's a lesbian, you know

17 - The public vote Chad out of the house. Hib says he is gutted and even
gives Chad a clipping of hair from his arse to prove how much she cares.
Draper is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Chad leaves.

18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Hib clipping the
hair from his arse. Apparently this is an important psychological incident.
The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.

19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem
of Malaysia in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing

20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Malaysia sounds like but
Draper says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Julian as
the one who must complete the task.

21 - Julian successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Malaysia but
also God Save The Queen, Wide Open Space and the theme tune to Big Brother.
He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid
newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.

22 - Nominations are due and Julian tells everyone that he has a Villa in
the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Draper and
Andie are nominated.

23 - Draper and Andie take their nominations well and sit down with Julian
and Hib to discuss why they voted for them. Julian keeps quiet but Hib
accuses Draper of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred cock before bursting
into tears.

24 - The public vote Andie out of the house and nobody really gives a shit.
Andie leaves.

25 - Julian becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes
down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a
true insight into the working of Julian's mind and brings out his true
personality. In other words, he's a wanker.

26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting
5000 tons of horse dung using only a pineapple. Julian is unsure but Draper
is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was
younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.

27 - Completely out of the blue, Draper breaks down in tears and announces
that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has
brought back the painful memories of the horse incident from his childhood.
Hib tries to persuade him to stay but Julian sits in a corner, rubbing his
hands slyly. Draper decides to leave.

28 - With only two housemates remaining, the horse dung task proves
impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on
some vegetable wine, made by Hib from a couple of mouldy carrots she found
in the Big Brother garden.

29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Julian asks Hib to marry him
and he accepts. Unsurprisingly Julian nominates Hib to leave. Rather more
surprisingly, so does Hib.

30 - When the nomination is announced, Hib graciously accepts defeat and
proclaims that Julian is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, he also
agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is
preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production
crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof.
Julian takes his £70,000 and runs away to Malaysia. Nobody, including Hib,
ever sees him again.